I'm no longer an engineer

*while listening to hello future song

"Are you okay working in a non-technical field?"

is the most common question if you introduce yourself as an engineering graduate in any interview. Honestly, I hate to answer this kind of question because, no, I'm not okay. I cannot straight up tell them I'm okay and give them the scripted answer that I googled the night before because I know my face will betray me anyway. One thing about me is that I'm an expressive person, if I don't like something or someone, if I'm not okay, if I'm hurt, it will obviously appear on my face, and I can't fake it. Pretending is really not my forte.

So, no, I'm not okay. Being a chemical engineer has been a lifelong passion of mine since I was in form five, and I've put in years of effort and dedication for that. My goal was so clear, I did a lot of research after SPM before considering chemical engineering seriously; shout out to chemical engineering bloggers out there. Unlike most of the students who'd take this course because of their interest in chemistry. Some of them didn't get into their first choice course, so they moved on to chemical engineering as their second choice. The geniuses didn't think much about it but aced it anyway. While I've seen among my friends regretting their life choice a year later, I knew chemical engineering is not about chemistry, I took physical science stream because I knew I'd always wanted to be an engineer, and I chose chemical engineering as my first choice in every application, four years studying was hard, stressful and challenging, failed one subject, even considered to take a gap year, but never once in my life, I regretted my life choice. Now I've graduated, I can finally say this.

Job hunting was the hardest part. I couldn't land any engineering-background position. It's the most tiring and exhausting phase amid this pandemic crisis, not being helpful at all. If you watch Prison Playbook drama, you remember one scene when the psychiatrist tells the main lead to draw a graph of his life, and the past year goes off across the paper, down the table leg, across the carpet, and get stucks between the floor and the wall because the lead character can't make the pen go any farther down. Relatable.

I rejected all the non-technical offers because I was so determined to be an engineer until a year later, I realized my ego wouldn't bring me anywhere. A major crossroads of my life was when I finally accepted one of the offers. It wasn't an easy decision for me, but it's like my stepping stone to get out of my own bubble. A few months later, I got a better offer - one of the offers I got before all of this roller coaster ride. Now I regretted why I didn't accept that offer earlier. The company treats me so well that I feel like I've wasted one whole year of my life. But, better late than never.

Maturity comes with experience. One lesson of maturity is that we should not take our thought too seriously and must learn to curb our ego and see the bigger picture -Haemin Sunim, The things you can only see when you slow down  

I'm a planner type of person, so it stressed me out when things didn't go the way I planned, and I started to be that annoying type of overthinker. It took me a long to learn that I can't control everything. I once hated my friend when he told me that maybe He knows I won't be able to handle being an engineer when I shared my frustration back then. But who am I to judge. Only He knows what I would be if I really become one. I suppose I chose chemical engineering back then because I defined being successful in life is to be a chemical engineer, but Allah defined me as being successful in a different way. Maybe. There are so many possibilities.

Choose happiness, not success, as your life's goals. If you become successful but aren't happy, then what is the point. -Haemin Sunim, The things you can only see when you slow down  

Recently I came across Dive Studio Podcast hosted by Eric Nam. There's this one episode where Jessi was the guest of the show (at this point, y'all probably can guess I'm a big fan of Kpop), and when she said, "I don't think life makes sense. There is no right or wrong in life." and it hit me hard. Something inside me telling me yeah, right. Just because you're not an engineer does not mean you're not successful. There is much more in life, and it is not fair to judge life as just about 0 and 1. As I said, there are infinite possibilities.

So, I slowly accept the reality, and this acceptance process was just sluggish. Frankly speaking, it really wasn't easy for me. To have the patience, but you don't know what He has planned for you. No matter how much you tried, everything seems so vague. Bila orang cakap 'have sabr, have patient.' It's easier said than done. And at some point, you're tired of being sabr, it feels like, I've made a lot of duas, I made a lot of efforts but why isn't He answering me. But it will get better. And if I'm to be tested again in the future, I can't guarantee I would pass with flying colors, but I will remember this life lesson. Redha is never easy. I, myself, am still trying to move on, not hundred percent alright, but will get there.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you,

And perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you,

And Allah knows what you know not.

[2:216]