The Paradox of Hitting 30
5th of July is the day I’ve always been counting down to since the new year. It’s the day to celebrate myself for being one year wiser, more...
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The Paradox of Hitting 30
5th of July is the day I’ve always been counting down to since the new year. It’s the day to celebrate myself for being one year wiser, more experienced, and more learned than the year before. It’s the day people shower you with extra love. Family, friends, you feel legit spending on yourself, all the discounts and vouchers from retail stores rolling into your inbox.
But this year, when people wished “Happy Birthday,” something inside me wanted to scream, stop. I was in denial. As much as I wanted to feel celebrated, the number 30 dreaded me. I wish I could stay 29 forever, when I could still be experimental without feeling guilty for it. I felt defeated for being unable to fulfill what 17-year-old me had visualized for the adult version of me.
My 17-year-old self saw me at age 30 as wiser, calmer, more in control, and mentally stable. I was supposed to work my ass off, hold a senior position, write a thesis to complete my PhD’s, and have my own family to call home. But in reality, I’m just as lost, running in circles, experimenting with this and that, only to start back where I began. And the harder I pedal, the more I tire myself out, but my journey doesn’t seem to go far. I’m not able to achieve the goal I set thirteen years ago, only to get distracted by the butterflies and trees and stray far from the original lane I’d carved at 17.
Seven months into 2026, I thought I could achieve everything in that time frame. But seven months came sooner than I realized, and not even half has been achieved. With another five months left, will I still have time to sprint and tick off all the things I wanted to do this year? I do want to do something momentous. Something that, when I look back at my 30s, I know I did. I learned something. That even if I may not be consistent in doing it, I want my old self to remember and cherish that I did something worth experiencing as 30-year-old Ain Soofiyah.
And so I created my birth-month calendar, to cherish every day of my 30s instead of dreading every second of it. I slipped some of my bucket list into my monthly calendar to check off. Filling every day of the month with things that make me happy, so that I go through every single day with excitement, not anxiety.
I stepped out of my comfort zone. Went through that interview that I’ve always hated. Opened myself up to new people, even though part of me wished to hide at the back of the shelves. The schedule was imperfectly done. Some I did. Some I didn’t.
Buying myself fresh flowers with coffee delivered to my office is cute. But adding 1x the price for the delivery fee? So not worth it.
But I didn’t regret forcing myself to open the door to trying, stepping into crazy and uncertain possibilities. Of being judged. Of being rejected. Of being bad at something and failing. Because from those failures, I learned more. I encountered more opportunities. And that’s how I realized the importance of giving myself a chance.
WIN (Woman-Industry-Network) Programme
It was a six-week programme. Every week, we were asked personal and vulnerable questions to share among the group. Part of me wanted to hide at the very corner of the room. I felt shameless sharing my aspirations when I’m nowhere near the goal. What are your aspirations, challenges, expectations, setbacks? What if I’m the only one behind among my peers?
Ts Najwa, my mentor, is such an amazing lady, and I particularly love how the woman she is today is made up of all the seemingly random things she chose to do when she was younger. She is now a senior manager with a Master’s in Business Administration and is currently completing her Master’s in Counseling and Mental Health. She didn’t stop there. She does scuba diving as a hobby and always finds channels to keep contributing to society. Her path is not as linear as you might expect from someone with an engineering background, but she is always open to every opportunity, and that has opened every door to her future. And a younger her, not knowing what her future held, couldn’t have known where those doors would lead.
And the mentoring group wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I’m proud to be among these young and ambitious ladies. These ladies inspired me to achieve more, to be the version of myself that I’m proud of.
Seeking Coach
I used to wish I could remove my past years. To me, they were an embarrassment, and perhaps that’s why I’ve been seeing my life as stagnant: part of me refused to acknowledge them. In my LinkedIn profile, I refused to include experiences that I thought were an embarrassment. I mentally excluded years because they didn’t fit my grand ideal plan.
But seeking a mentor taught me that I did learn something, however small it was, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. My coach taught me to reframe them, and I realized my experiences had actually given me the skills employers are looking for, and the exact skills I could leverage for my salary expectations. They might not be what my younger self is proud of, but my future self will thank me for the tiny bricks I’m building.
And so, I wrote down all my working experiences and took pride in them: what I did and what skills I earned from each experience.
Sure, I’m not what my 17-year-old imagined I’m supposed to be. A lady with a stable corporate 9-to-5 job who has figured her life out.
But did she imagine she would learn horse riding and even join a dressage competition?
Did she even imagine she would once lose her spark in reading and fall in love with it all over again?
Did she imagine she would once be offered free Korean classes and complete a Korean book?
17-year-old me would be astounded if she knew her 30-year-old self had the courage to hit the gym, let alone learn kickboxing for a month.
17-year-old me thought that success was granted.
30-year-old me learned setbacks are certain.
And maybe that is what growing up actually gave me: not the certainty I thought I would have, but the resilience to keep going when life doesn’t follow the plan.
I didn’t become who she expected.
But I became someone she couldn’t have imagined.
Media
T he Grand Budapest – This is my highlight movie of the month. First, I was drawn to the cinematography of the film, the majestic pink hotel and grand interior, an irresistible bait for a girl whose entire life revolves around aesthetic brain rot, but the first line of the movie, captivated me,
<drama> The perfect crown - I’m not going to pretend here. I watched the show for its promising casts.
Although by the final episode, the producers faced heavy backlash for failing to properly research Korean history during the coronation scene. I have huge respect for that level of public accountability. I honestly wish Malaysian producers shared even half of that meticulousness when it comes to scenes involving local customs and cultures.
I was low-key disappointed by the ending when Ian decided to abolish the monarchy. I expected much more from his character and was looking forward to seeing the progressive changes he would bring to the Korean throne as king.
Instead, the ending felt cut short. I wanted to dive deep into the writer’s hypothetical vision of what Korea would look like if the monarchy were still standing strong in the 21st century. How would it differ from the current system of governance? How would a modern monarchy navigate contemporary political and social challenges?
But the drama failed to serve its own title. Ian’s struggle for the crown is essentially the same plot that has been sold in countless Korean sageuk dramas. Despite being set in a different era, there was nothing particularly unique about it.
Still, you can see the message the producers were trying to convey; that a monarchy is no longer relevant in the 21st century (cough Kesetiaan kepada Raja dan Negara).
<substack> I was scrolling through Substack when I stumbled upon this article. I clicked on it with zero expectations, but one line hit me and pushed me through a wall of fear every time I hesitated to ask for help.
And really, I thought, what’s the worst that could happen?
Rejection.
And then so what?
How much does one rejection actually cost compared to the infinite possibilities that could come from trying?
Around the same time, I was reading The Richest Man in Babylon. There are plenty of lessons from that book that I want to share, but one idea perfectly supported what I had already been thinking: The action I took from this article was simple: get at least 10 rejections by the end of the year.
Instead of fearing rejection, I reframed it as an achievement toward my yearly goal. And if I’m nowhere near 10 rejections by December, perhaps I simply haven’t widened my surface area for luck yet.
DM your mentor. Ask for advice. Reach out to people you admire.
Funny enough, this mindset gave me the courage to take steps I used to avoid because I was afraid of being judged. Now that I’ve actually tried, I realise I haven’t received that many rejections at all. What I've received instead are far more opportunities than I expected.
The funniest part is people are often more willing to help than we assume.
A while ago, I DM’d someone I deeply admire for his achievements. We’d worked together on a few projects before (and you have no idea how relieved I am that I didn't slack off back when we worked together.). It took him a long time to reply, and by then I had already accepted that I was about to be ghosted. I was ready to count it as my first rejection. And then he replied:
See? That’s how I learned that fear had been blocking me from endless possibilities when, in reality, people are often much kinder and more helpful than you think. :)))))
My coach once gave me a simple hack: do things repeatedly until they become effortless habits.
I immediately imagined myself as Nik Nur Madihah and Nur Amalina. If you grew up in Malaysia in the early 2010s, you’ll probably remember how often their names appeared in the news, and how documentaries would follow their routines as examples for students to look up to.
Back then, I approached the exercise by imagining I was Nik Nur Madihah. Somehow, the habits I was trying to build became easier because I had a role model in mind. Eventually, the routine became natural.
Now, retraining myself and staying consistent with good habits is not as easy as it used to be, no matter how much I want to do it again. But after reading about neuroplasticity, I finally understand why the exercise worked.
The brain is constantly rewiring itself based on what we repeatedly do, think, and practise.
Every small action is essentially a vote for the person we are becoming.
Perhaps it’s time for me to revisit that exercise and consciously retrain my brain again.
So, there was one this time, my wellness coach asked me to draw with my left hand, with my eyes closed and without thinking. My mind was blank. I didnt know what to draw. So I drew one straight line, and with the eyes closed unartistic and underutilized side hand, you can’t really expect the result will be a straight line. I named the piece Stagnantly Miserable.
I left the room with more miserable thoughts. My mind is especially vulnerable to the monsters of overthinking when I’m working late at night. I was running on low-power mode, yet somehow hadn't done anything productive, which only made me feel worse. I spoke to another counsellor, and we had a good conversation, it feels like my illness is cured with antibiotics, but coming across this article is like giving me a new hearty meal to look forward to for the next day to come.
Find yourself a project,
The Richest Man of Babylon – I really recommend this book if you want to begin your journey toward financial literacy as a beginner. It is a storytelling book based on ancient wisdom written nearly 100 years ago. Through stories and examples, readers can see where their financial decisions may lead them 10 years ahead. A few practical tips from the book are to save at least 10% of your income, budget your spending, invest your money, and own a home.
But a few of the points got me thinking: are they still feasible in the modern age? The book explicitly introduces readers to the benefits of usury. However, usury is explicitly forbidden in Islam. I also love the point of prioritizing home ownership so that one can grow crops and build stability, but is it still affordable at this age? What about a car to move around?
Owning a home may have seemed affordable 30 years ago, but with minimum wages growing slowly while property prices continue to rise, many fresh graduates can barely earn enough to meet their basic needs. Their salary may be enough to survive, but not enough to build a dignified lifestyle.
And I could not help but wonder whether the financial system that helped previous generations own homes has also contributed to making home ownership harder for the next generation.
But despite one or two points which I believe are not practical at this age, it’s still a basic book that everyone should read to get a basic financial literacy in managing money. Another point that I loved from the book is to not procrastinate whenever you encounter an opportunity. Seize it as quickly as you can because that is how you increase your luck.
This is what I love about reading many pieces at once. Sometimes what you are currently reading connects with your next read. The Substack article encouraged me to increase my surface area of luck, while this book taught me to act quickly once an opportunity appears and not let it slip through my hands.
The Simple Seerah: Part 2
May Digest: Life in the Messy Middle
Readers, welcome to another month of Slow Digest series.
Recently, my curiosity led me to try a trending ChatGPT prompt that has been making its rounds across social media.
“If my mind was a room, how would it look like?”
And the reply I got,
If your mind was a room, it would feel like stepping into a place where curiosity and possibility are constantly in conversation. Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves (how can I say no to this?), a large corkboard crowded with plans and random sparks of inspiration that seemed too interesting to forget, a comfortable reading chair (I imagine brown leather) beside a steaming cup of coffee and a stack of books waiting their turn and fresh flowers on the table (because if there is no flower, it’s not meant for Ain Soofiyah)
The room would be slightly cluttered, full of unfinished chapters and evolving plans (because I'm indecisive like that) Not chaotic, but overflowing with interests, questions, dreams, and stories. It would feel less like a room and more like a space where a life is continuously being built.
That said, the room is probably more livable in theory than in reality. My mind may love living in clutter, but my physical space absolutely does not.
Moving on, with this image in mind, grab your cup of coffee, make yourself comfortable, and take a peek at the sticky notes currently covering the walls of my brain. May had me mulling over luck, money, resilience, Korean monarchy, and a pastel-coloured hotel that somehow left me with an existential crisis.
<film>
“It is an extremely common mistake. People think the writer’s imagination is always at work, that he’s constantly inventing an endless supply of incidents and episodes; that he simply dreams up his stories out of thin air.”
Here I thought, perhaps the beauty of this movie lies in its lines. But as I followed the story to the end, I began to understand why this particular Wes Anderson film receives such high praise.
“To be frank, I think his world had vanished long before he ever entered it. But I will say: he certainly sustained the illusion with a marvelous grace.”
is the line Zero narrating Gustave’s life retrospectively. It makes you wonder what kind of life you want to live, and how others would describe you once you're no longer part of this world. Zero tells us that Gustave lived with etiquette, beauty, and dignity despite the world around him collapsing. And I think that's a beautiful way to live. In a time when ideologies from every angle compete for our attention and identity, and when it becomes easy to lose faith that goodness will prevail, there is something admirable about staying true to yourself, refusing to abandon your values, and carrying your own definition of elegance through a system you cannot control.
But when luxury and comfort were stripped away from him, Gustave’s dignity slipped, and the test of staying true to his values shook his morale.
And you realize that it’s a privileged position to attribute someone's misfortunes to laziness. Like the tip of an iceberg, they are weighed down by infinite possible reasons that we never think of. It is easy to observe from a helicopter, but much harder to go underwater and see what is happening beneath the surface
While writing this, I realised how closely this movie mirrors Malaysia's recent debates surrounding Rohingya and Palestinian refugees. Gustave hides behind a facade of high culture and blames Zero's misfortunes on laziness, and views himself as the epitome of refined education, entirely blind to how his own social class drives the systemic oppression of immigrants.
And I myself have never had any real interaction with refugee communities, so I usually refrain from joining these debates online. I simply do not know enough to speak with certainty. But at the same time, I find it difficult to understand the intensity of the hostility that is sometimes directed towards them.
Perhaps offering virtue as abundantly as Gustave bestowed upon his subordinate, Zero, is too much to ask. Perhaps to treat one as decent human being and passionate, not many has the capacity. Perhaps the real breakthrough lies in understanding that a survival-mode mindset functions fundamentally differently from one shaped by a stable security and modest upbringing. True empathy means recognizing that people can hold entirely different values without us needing to rank them hierarchically. At our core, we are simply different human beings operating under different circumstances, learning to tolerate and respect those differences.
On a final, less philosophical note: the sudden graphic violence gave my system a total shock! As much as I loved the plot and wanting to stay until the end of the movie, my fragile heart was not prepared for the graphical scene. I spent the entire second half of the movie hiding my face behind my scarf.
“Opportunity waits for no man.”
I've been enjoying Profound Ideas on Substack so much lately that I'm this close to subscribing. But knowing that I already struggle to keep up with the newsletters I'm subscribed to for free, and that the money could probably be put to better use elsewhere, I've decided to enjoy the free posts for now.
You don’t feel lost because your life is meaningless.You feel lost because you don’t have a quest.
It helped me realize that what I interpreted as "being stuck" was actually "having nothing to work toward."
For the skills I wanted to unlearn and relearn, I started building my own personal curriculum.
It can be anything, really. Learning a new language, improving your writing, understanding personal finance, or diving into a topic you've always been curious about.
Set your own goal. Decide on a timeline. Create the assignments yourself.
For me, that meant finishing a course within a month, seeking feedback from mentors, experimenting with different approaches, and applying what I had learned in practice.
Once I completed one project, I found another. Sometimes I found myself juggling two or three at once. Somewhere along the way, I stopped obsessing over how far behind I was and started enjoying the process of catching up.
Honestly, we know we’re changing as we grow older, but progress often feels invisible while we’re living through it. Without something tangible to work toward, it’s easy to convince ourselves that we’re standing still.
A project, no matter how small, gives you a destination. You work on it, finish it, and suddenly you have proof that you’ve moved forward. Then you find the next thing that excites you and begin again.
Document it. Track it. Celebrate it.
And on the days when you feel lost, perhaps you can look back at those completed projects and realise that you’ve come much further than you thought.
<book>
The book started with the muhajirin and ansar happily greeted Rasulullah and his companion, Abu Bakr arriving Madinah despite threats from every corner to kill him. However, majority of the book focused on the details of second major war in Islam, which is Uhud. The story of Uhud has been retold to us all over again for over than 1400 years, that it has been compressed into a simple story: the Muslims were close to victory but lost because some archers disobeyed the Prophet's instruction.
But through this book, we get a close-up view of Uhud war. We are brought into the lives of the people who lived through it. The Muslims had to face an army three times larger than their own. Three hundred men abandoned them before the battle, and there were differing opinions between the sahabah and the Prophet regarding the strategy. The munafiqin attempted to stir unrest and create chaos at every opportunity. The book captures vividly both the uncertainty they felt and the faith that kept them steadfast.
The pages unexpectedly brought me back to the years of the pandemic. Two years spent at home, disconnected from normal human interaction, while watching the daily case numbers rise. For we too had that moment of waiting things will get better, not knowing how it will end and when the time comes. And the waiting feels extra-long and draining each part of us. But despite during that hardship, despite minimal human interaction due lockdown, we tried everything we could to survive the moment, bonds were formed between strangers and neighbors through #kitajagakita. Despite not knowing when the sun would rise again, we prepared ourselves for the day to come. And here we are.
And when we look back at that moment, it reminded me that history is often remembered through conclusions, while the people who lived through it experienced every difficult step along the way.
We remember Uhud as a battle the Muslims lost. But when you zoom in, you begin to appreciate the faith, resilience, and perseverance it took to live through it.
Maybe that is what this month taught me, to not to be afraid of the messiness of life. People may remember stories through their endings, but the colourful, complicated process of building a life is worth cherishing too.
Until the next stop ;)
Media
Because I watched The Lizzie Mcguire Movie, its main track keeps ringing to my ears.
Have you ever wondered what life is about
Lizzie went all the way to Rome to figure out her life, but,
You could search the world and never figure it out You don't have to sail the ocean No no no
Perhaps, what you actually needed is to experience the lessons, that,
Happiness is no mystery, it's Here and now, it's you and me
Perhaps the point of travel is to extend your mental horizons and discover that what you're looking for is already within you.
April Digest: Of Tracing Sparks
April is me finding the sparks again.
Losing another close friend for the second time, I questioned the purpose of living. The second time doesn't make the hurt any less.
I tried to do everything to bring back the sparks of living again. Hobbies, I traced things I used to love. I checked out all the lists of how to make your life more enjoyable. I read on Substack.
Nothing helped.
It’s like if you've been taking antibiotics your entire life, like a multivitamin, and they keep you cheery and active throughout the day, but when you acquire a high fever, your antibiotic no longer serves its intended purpose.
April is me tracing what brings me joy again and perhaps finding the reason to live. This is why I love consuming media, whether it’s a Substack, a song, or the comfort I find in fiction.
Reading Substacks feels like someone fluently breaking down what I’ve been feeling lately, like a manual giving step-by-step guidance I never actually received.
Watching movies transports me back to places I used to love and care about.
Reading my favorite authors feels like returning to something familiar.
Maybe I just needed another form of language to understand what I’m feeling, and to slowly feel alive again.
<substack>
date people in the same emotional bracket as you: This article had me nodding my head all the way to the end of the paragraph. It resonated so deeply that I just have to re-share my stance on dating someone in my previous post. Think of your emotional needs like that treacherous blind spot, the exact one you must consciously check before switching into a fast lane. So often, we blindly change lanes in relationships, completely overlooking the internal emotional needs we are about to crush.
Further reading here: The Kind of Love That Feels Like Peace
To the woman who always knew she was meant for a bigger life: Whenever you feel stuck or stagnant, think of yourself as an urban planner taking charge of a vast, desolate plot of land.
When you focus too closely on building just one residential property, your world shrinks to the raw textures of rough bricks and wet cement. You find yourself anxiously staring at a rigid Gantt chart, desperately tracking every milestone. You start to stress and wonder why on earth the progress is so painfully slow just to erect one single house.
But you need to fly a drone once in a while. Send it up into the sky to look down at what you have actually built so far: a lush green park for recreation, a school built to nurture knowledge, and a hospital to treat everything from small cuts to deep wounds. Stop feeling restless at the sight of the soon-to-be-developed neighboring land. Zoom out, see the bigger picture, and take pride in the entire landscape you have already achieved.
Your phone is the reason you have no identity: I can't claim my hands are completely clean of the obsession with the trend train. Occasionally, I catch myself wearing the matching fit; Uniqlo linen line with blue jeans with my colleagues at the office. I walk into a mall and I encounter a few girls wearing the white-and-black pair of samba shoes with a Brik bag slung over their shoulders proudly supporting a local business. Why do I care for such petty detail? Because I had my eyes on them once too.
Right now, everyone is raving on linen clothing. I'm not against linen; it's a good thing that we're going back to natural sources for clothing instead of being stuck in the unsustainable polyester. But the point of naturally sourced material is to adopt a sustainable lifestyle and practice mindful consumption. And buying ten linen pieces just to dump perfectly wearable clothes in the closet defeats the original purpose of living a sustainable lifestyle.
Perhaps, it's time for us to take a step back, and reflect, for each item on the trends,
"Does this suit my lifestyle, or am I doing this because everybody does?"
"Is this what I wanted to maintain for ten years down the road?"
<book>
Beartown: If you love the cozy autumn vibe of Gilmore Girls, try reading Beartown as its chilling winter sibling. The book revolves around the community in one small town called Beartown. A town centered around the frozen ice rink, sticks and skates, and the bang sound of pucks as their pride and joy. The town that united because of their love for hockey. And the town that divided because of their pride and their star hockey player.
Maya is fascinated by the way he always seems to be living in the moment. On the ice he doesn't seem to think anything but hockey, and off it he doesn't seem to think about anything at all. He lives on instinct. She wishes she could be like that.
Kevin likes the fact that she's different. That her eyes never quite stop moving, that she's always watching. That she seems to know who she is. He wishes he could be like that.
With one loyal community behind your back, you have nothing to fear.
One loyal community against you, and you doubt yourself. No matter what the truth is, you start second-guessing yourself.
The side of truth depends on where the community chooses to stand. It doesn't matter if you're right; if the community says no, you are wrong.
People often choose the easiest lie over the hardest truth.
This story parallels closely with the biography I once read, Know My Name written by Channel Miller. Maya acts as a fictional surrogate for Miller, channeling her experience of being sexually assaulted by one promising athlete and was punished for it. How netizens accused her of hindering the future of the promising athlete. That people would go as far as dehumanize you, the victim, for the sake of taking the perpetrator's side.
But here's the real question to ponder.
Who is actually hindering whose future?
I'd recommend you to read Know My Name if you're interested in reading it.
<film>
The Lizzie McGuire Movie: I've been wanting to watch Lizzie McGuire the movie ever since my last trip to Italy. And now I know where the viral TikTok audio "maybe I am an outfit repeater but you are an outfit rememberer which is just as pathetic" originally from. The teenage version of me would relate to the reckless Lizzie Mcguire. Fleeing to another country in hopes of redeeming herself. On the surface, this movie is everything every teenager dreams of. Touring around ancient, beautifully maintained architecture with a sweet gelato in hand, riding a colorful Vespa, and being drenched by a golden sun. It triggers you to pack your suitcase immediately and do the scene remake of Hillary Duff's concert at the Colosseum.
But being young and impressionable, you're susceptible to being molded by people with deceitful motives hidden behind endless sweet talk and empty promises.
"because you shine like the light from the sun"
Until the end of the movie, Lizzie learned that maybe you don't need to look far to find the things you needed, maybe what you're looking for is in front of your eyes, but you never take a look because you've been taking them for granted all this time. Perhaps falling flat on your face is what you needed to notice what has been in front of your eyes all along.
How to lose a guy in 10 days: Everyone needs a bit of romance to be part of their life. At least mine does.
I need that typical cringe romcom movie where the male lead falls in love with the authenticity of the female lead despite their twisted motives at the beginning of the relationship. Predictable? Very. But sometimes that’s the comfort of it.
The premise is that men quickly pull away whenever women become emotionally invested too quickly.
Not everything has to feel emotionally devastating all the time. Sometimes you just need something lighter for once when your mind has been stuck in a whirlpool of thoughts for too long.
Deepwater horizon: This movie had me subconsciously running the root cause analysis of what led to the massive explosion and mentally forced me to resuscitate every piece of jargon that has been drying up like a houseplant after not being watered for years. It's terrifying how one misdiagnosis cost 11 lives and resulted in manslaughter charges. All because to chase delayed timelines and to save cost. But does it compensate for the 11 lives lost?
Suppose you are not Donald Vidrine or Robert Kaluza, and you aren't responsible for 126 lives. But the truth is, each of us is responsible for something in our own corners of the world. How lightly do you take your daily accountability? Does the crushing heaviness of what you owe to the people around you ever hit you once in a while?
<song>
Clear traffic.
Good health.
Distance from toxic surroundings.
Financial stability that allows you to buy your own meal without owing anyone.
Reconnecting with old friends, catching up, learning new things, and even the moments where you made mistakes but were still given the chance to learn and make up for them.
Sometimes, blessings arrive quietly in the form of problems that never happened.
Favorites
Media
Reflect
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The Kind of Love That Feels Like Peace
This whole article resonated with me on every level. Attraction is appealing. Sure. It creates a spark. But what is attraction when it comes with constant anxiety and wariness? When you are always questioning whether he truly loves you? When you keep hoping he will change one day, simply because you love him sincerely?
I definitely agree. Religious compatibility is non-negotiable. It’s the first thing on the list.
Growing up in Malaysia, religious compatibility often feels easier to find because many Muslim men here at least grow up with a basic understanding of Islam. But over time, I realized shared faith alone is not enough to sustain emotional safety and understanding.
"And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may find tranquillity (sakinah) in them, and He has placed between you affection (mawaddah) and mercy (rahmah). Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought." 30:21
Intellectual resonance and shared curiosity are also important criteria for a partner, but for that there must be space to learn, for one to complement the other, and for that both parties need emotional maturity. A safe space to grow and develop. One who encourages you to grow and explore. Unfortunately, as Aqilah said, it's easy to find one who fulfils one side, but not easy to find a man balanced in both. Most guys fulfil one side but completely lack the other.
Peace, to me, is being able to express hurt without being punished for it. It is being listened to without being called dramatic, difficult, or too emotional for simply wanting to be understood.
And perhaps that kind of attentiveness requires emotional maturity. Because empathy is not only about listening when conversations are deep or serious. Sometimes it is simply about caring enough to stay present in the ordinary moments too. Remember the “I saw a bird” theory. To be genuinely interested in listening to your most mundane story and not interrupting every sentence you say is said to maintain a longer and lasting relationship than couples who are dismissive and unbothered about your daily life.
Sometimes I wonder why emotional accountability feels so difficult for some men. Why empathy is often expected from women yet rarely practiced with the same consistency in return.
And choosing a partner is also a form of self-love. It is how we choose ourselves to be treated. Choosing a partner reflects how we want to be treated, how much discomfort we can tolerate, where our boundaries are, and to what extent we are willing to sacrifice for the sake of love.
Where do you place your self-respect when he reaches out to you out of boredom? When you feel the urge to crawl back just for the sake of feeling loved? Where do you place your self-respect in that balance? Which outweighs which?
I'm not choosing a man who chooses me because I'm the only option available at the moment. Because I love myself too much to beg for fragments of love from a man. I'm not auctioning myself or proving my worth for a man's love. I know my worth, and that is enough. And if a man cannot see the worth in me, that is on him.
And I never blame women for falling for the wrong man. We make mistakes, but we learn. And in choosing to stay despite 15 red flags, you are choosing to destroy yourself. At that point, you cannot blame the man entirely. Leaving is painful, but we grow, and that is the point of living. Learn, grow, and make mistakes like an exponential graph. We can never reach absolute perfection, but we strive and choose the best path to live our best life.
In the end, choosing a partner, for me, is choosing someone who never makes you feel lonely in their presence. Someone who loves you for you, curious about learning who you are and what you love. Someone invested in listening to your everyday mundane stories, not because they are extraordinary, but because they matter to you.
Love is less about intensity and more about peace. It is being with someone who makes you feel safe to express yourself without being called difficult or too emotional for simply wanting to be understood. Someone ready for mature conversations instead of avoidance, someone who grows with you instead of making you feel ashamed for still growing.
And perhaps that is what real love looks like. Someone who includes you in every part of his life, in highs and lows, in the decisions that shape the relationship, not someone who only reaches out when you are convenient or available. Someone who chooses you with intention, consistency, and care.
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