Reflect
By the way, why is sharing these random facts on my blog is less embarrassing than playing with my colleagues?
12 Things about Me
Yesterday, my team lead asked me to provide two lies and one true fact about myself for our weekly team activity. I've actually been meaning to write about these fun facts about me for my blog. So I just thought that why not list down all the twelves instead of just three. And here are my 12 fun facts but, can you guess which one is a lie?
- I was born on 5th July 1996, which makes me 25 this year and considered old by the young tik-tokers.
- I'm obsessed with purple. I plan to set up my work-from-home workspace in purple, but it's so hard to find a purple keyboard and mouse that I like. Sometimes I'm jealous of pink lovers out there because, unlike purple, pink stuff is everywhere. Luckily, I found this cute keyboard from Amazon. I can't wait for my WFH allowance to set up my new workspace!
- I love Kpop. My current favorite groups are EXO and NCT. Recently, Exo and NCT are having four consecutive comebacks, starting from NCT Dream's first full album, EXO's special album, NCT Dream's repackage album, Kyungsoo's first solo album, and NCT 127 just announced their comeback in September. SM is really trying to rip me off.
- I enjoy traveling. I've traveled to many places, but if you'd ask me which country I wish to revisit, it would be London, Paris, Turkey, and Korea since I feel like I haven't explored them all enough during my last trip.
- Listening to podcasts/kpop is my way of finding my joy when working. My work is quite monotonous, and sometimes I feel sleepy while working, so I definitely need this to stay focused (Yes, coach, I'm doing my homework). My most listened-to podcasts are; The Lively Show, Aida Azlin, The Mind Valley, The Minimalist and Thank you for asking.
- I love journaling, in fact, I started journaling when I was 18, but my journal back then was so messy. It didn't seem like a proper journal until the last two years. I began to learn to doodle, bought colorful pens, few stickers, and started to decorate my bullet journal. Few of my friends asked how I could consistently keep up with my journaling. To clarify, sometimes, when I am too busy and don't feel it, I just don't do it. Bullet journaling is supposed to be enjoyable, make our lives easier and more productive. I do journaling to relieve my stress, so if you feel journaling is not contributing to any of those aspects, that's totally fine.
- The recommendations that came out on my Youtube are mostly about Kpop, Kdrama clips (since I watch clips before deciding if the drama is worth watching), home/room decor (it's fun to watch pretty house/room of others), dog training which is weird since I don't like pet even dogs and journaling for inspiration.
- I do stretching every weekend to loosen up my muscle as we all have been staying home for a year or more because of lockdown, and my work requires me to sit all day in front of the computer, in fact, I once went to a clinic due to my muscle tension so yeah, stretching is vital.
- I was once chased by a dog when traveling to Bali. I forgot that I could actually turn around and scare it off, my brain was so in panic mode, and I just couldn't process what I should do at that moment, so I just ran!
- I'm a coffee lover. I used to need coffee every morning but have been reducing my intake for the last few months because of our broken coffee machine, and now I'm considering buying a new coffee maker ;)
- I'm a homebody and an introvert. I'm comfortable staying at my home, and I recharge my battery by spending my time alone. Still, this pandemic lately makes me craving for human interaction.
- I've always liked art, I love to draw and paint, but my hand just won't listen...
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| just a random photo I found while scrolling through my gallery ;) |
Reflect
My letter to myself on my 25th birthday
It's a week late, but it's okay since I celebrate my birthday the whole month anyway.
Dear Ain,
I read your letter from 2019, and I still remember the feeling when you wrote that letter. You had been on quite a journey the past year. I remember you cried for hours till tears dried, and your throat hurt, and when you woke up from your sleep, you continued crying. And you just sat there beside your bed, just in a daze at that stormy situation surrounding you.
I've seen you have everything you wanted. I've also seen you losing it all, perhaps in a cruel way. You learned who's really there for you when you're at your worst. I know life has been challenging for you for the past year. Honestly, Ain, not really proud of how you handled it back then, but I know I'm no better. So, Ain, thank you for staying alive. I've seen you plunged into a state of despair, but Ain, thank you for hanging on to that bit of faith.
I just want to tell you the worst has passed, and I'm doing better now. Stop worrying too much. You deserve to be smiling after all the things you've been through. You deserve all the good things in your life. I hope you realize that you're pretty much privileged compared to other people out there without denying all the hardship you've gone through because you know it too, that it could've been worse. I don't even want to imagine it. I wish you to stop resenting people around you. Forgive them for your own sake. So that you can be free and go on living your life. It won't be easy, it will feel unjust, but do you want to live as a victim forever?
Ain of 2021 has been living her life to the fullest. Ain of 2021 has found her place just as she imagined one year ago. Ain of 2021 won't lose track of what's crucial and worth making time for. All thanks to you for not giving up, for always telling Ain of 2020 you loved her regardless of everything, and that she's worth it. So, stop worrying, you can now be happy as much as you want.
Happy Birthday,
Me.
Chemical Engineering
Life
Reflect
I'm no longer an engineer
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| *while listening to hello future song |
"Are you okay working in a non-technical field?"
is the most common question if you introduce yourself as an engineering graduate in any interview. Honestly, I hate to answer this kind of question because, no, I'm not okay. I cannot straight up tell them I'm okay and give them the scripted answer that I googled the night before because I know my face will betray me anyway. One thing about me is that I'm an expressive person, if I don't like something or someone, if I'm not okay, if I'm hurt, it will obviously appear on my face, and I can't fake it. Pretending is really not my forte.
So, no, I'm not okay. Being a chemical engineer has been a lifelong passion of mine since I was in form five, and I've put in years of effort and dedication for that. My goal was so clear, I did a lot of research after SPM before considering chemical engineering seriously; shout out to chemical engineering bloggers out there. Unlike most of the students who'd take this course because of their interest in chemistry. Some of them didn't get into their first choice course, so they moved on to chemical engineering as their second choice. The geniuses didn't think much about it but aced it anyway. While I've seen among my friends regretting their life choice a year later, I knew chemical engineering is not about chemistry, I took physical science stream because I knew I'd always wanted to be an engineer, and I chose chemical engineering as my first choice in every application, four years studying was hard, stressful and challenging, failed one subject, even considered to take a gap year, but never once in my life, I regretted my life choice. Now I've graduated, I can finally say this.
Job hunting was the hardest part. I couldn't land any engineering-background position. It's the most tiring and exhausting phase amid this pandemic crisis, not being helpful at all. If you watch Prison Playbook drama, you remember one scene when the psychiatrist tells the main lead to draw a graph of his life, and the past year goes off across the paper, down the table leg, across the carpet, and get stucks between the floor and the wall because the lead character can't make the pen go any farther down. Relatable.
I rejected all the non-technical offers because I was so determined to be an engineer until a year later, I realized my ego wouldn't bring me anywhere. A major crossroads of my life was when I finally accepted one of the offers. It wasn't an easy decision for me, but it's like my stepping stone to get out of my own bubble. A few months later, I got a better offer - one of the offers I got before all of this roller coaster ride. Now I regretted why I didn't accept that offer earlier. The company treats me so well that I feel like I've wasted one whole year of my life. But, better late than never.
Maturity comes with experience. One lesson of maturity is that we should not take our thought too seriously and must learn to curb our ego and see the bigger picture -Haemin Sunim, The things you can only see when you slow down
I'm a planner type of person, so it stressed me out when things didn't go the way I planned, and I started to be that annoying type of overthinker. It took me a long to learn that I can't control everything. I once hated my friend when he told me that maybe He knows I won't be able to handle being an engineer when I shared my frustration back then. But who am I to judge. Only He knows what I would be if I really become one. I suppose I chose chemical engineering back then because I defined being successful in life is to be a chemical engineer, but Allah defined me as being successful in a different way. Maybe. There are so many possibilities.
Choose happiness, not success, as your life's goals. If you become successful but aren't happy, then what is the point. -Haemin Sunim, The things you can only see when you slow down
Recently I came across Dive Studio Podcast hosted by Eric Nam. There's this one episode where Jessi was the guest of the show (at this point, y'all probably can guess I'm a big fan of Kpop), and when she said, "I don't think life makes sense. There is no right or wrong in life." and it hit me hard. Something inside me telling me yeah, right. Just because you're not an engineer does not mean you're not successful. There is much more in life, and it is not fair to judge life as just about 0 and 1. As I said, there are infinite possibilities.
So, I slowly accept the reality, and this acceptance process was just sluggish. Frankly speaking, it really wasn't easy for me. To have the patience, but you don't know what He has planned for you. No matter how much you tried, everything seems so vague. Bila orang cakap 'have sabr, have patient.' It's easier said than done. And at some point, you're tired of being sabr, it feels like, I've made a lot of duas, I made a lot of efforts but why isn't He answering me. But it will get better. And if I'm to be tested again in the future, I can't guarantee I would pass with flying colors, but I will remember this life lesson. Redha is never easy. I, myself, am still trying to move on, not hundred percent alright, but will get there.
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you,
And perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you,
And Allah knows what you know not.
[2:216]
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