on Performing Umrah

I went to perform Umrah a couple of months ago. But I have been pretty busy with life, study, exam, work and adamant to not give up on my reading goals so it stays as draft for months. Exam wasn't over yet but here I am dusting off my blog and give it a proper update.

When I first heard about my family’s plan to perform Umrah, I was reluctant to agree. I feel like I was not ready, physically and spiritually. A few months before the trip, my sister and I had a lot of talks over this matter. We both weren’t excited to shop around for Umrah. Not feeling motivated, I packed my 12-day trip three days prior the day.
 
Throughout the trip, Zulkifli Hasan, Yasmin Mogahed, Prince Ghazi, and Dr. Bilal Philips have served me as a great company. Strange how books can change your judgment. I finished the whole book of Islam di Barat Muslim di Timur written by Zulkifli Hassan on the eight-hour flight, where the writer shared his experience of spending Ramadhan in two Holy cities warmed my heart. Allah has invited me, and it was an opportunity that might not happen twice. Why not forsake my stubbornness this time, bite the bullet to rebrand myself, and go all out in performing the ibadah. And I did, on the way to Jeddah, with a new resolution.
 
In the sight of Kaabah, Yasmin Mohaged, through her book, Healing the Emptiness, taught me to move on and let go of the past. One saying that stunned me was that we are too holding on to our past because we’re idolizing our past. I always knew that as humans, our knowledge is limited and that Allah knows better but knowing that we dwell on our past because we’re fantasizing about them gives me a new point of view. Yes, nothing is perfect in this Dunya. The past that we regretted so much that we wished we could change and would choose differently will always be flawed, not as perfect as we imagined, and Allah knows better in everything than we thought we knew well. Every time I looked back on my past, it always hit me how stupid I was and how I wish I had been wiser, but then, nothing consoled me as much as Prophet Muhammad did through his hadith:
 

"... If anything befalls you, do not say, 'if only I had done such and such' rather say 'Qaddara Allahu was sha'a fa'ala ( Allah has decreed and whatever He wills, He does.' For (saying) "If" opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.'" (Sahih, Sunan Ibn Majah 79)

It is ironic and tragic when we have something, we often focus on the negative parts of it and ignore the positive. Then we lose something, we do the opposite: we fixate on, and exaggerate, the positive aspects. Both habits are unhealthy; the first habit leads to ingratitude and unhappiness when we have something. And the second habit leads to delayed healing when we lose it. - Yasmin Mogahed, Healing the emptiness

 

My favorite moment throughout the trip was spending time at Masjidil Haram & Masjidil Nabawi while waiting for the Subuh prayer. Muazzin’s call was one hour before Subuh to wake the locals, but we woke up one hour and a half before so that we didn’t have to fight for space during Subuh. Battling with my inner self to lift the blanket and get off bed was one of the hardest battles of my life due to our packed schedule and late-night sleep. We were beyond exhausted. I fell sick due to the weather, and the side effects of consuming pills to delay my menstrual made it even worse, but once my foot entered these two holy mosques, those battles felt insignificant, time stopped and it turned out to be one of many magical moments in my life. How I was not interested in anything outside the four walls of that Masjiidil Haram-not my work, not my future, not my past. Everything that worried me became trivial. It just me and Allah. Nothing else matters. And I pondered, everything that I struggled for years became trivial when I spent 12 days in these two holy cities, what more in afterlife. Everything was just serene and I wouldn’t get that elsewhere. The tranquility I longed for every day when I was back in Malaysia. Towards the seventh round of tawaf wida’, I felt the ache that every Jemaah feels at one time or another, to preserve every second, to lock in for all eternity the sight of Kaabah.

 

Dealing with other Jemaah from all different countries wasn’t a pleasant experience. Despite that, choosing to perform Umrah as the first country to visit right after the pandemic is over is the best decision ever. I’m honored to be invited by Allah and visit His two Holy cities, and He never gets tired of my visit. May Allah grants us rizq and His Blessings and choose us to be one of His servants to perform Umrah insyaAllah.